A Montage For Mr Gammon

I foolishly told someone I would write a blog post after they pointed out, correctly, that I haven't written in a while. My trip outside proved fruitless on the inspiration front, although I almost got caught on a nearby bridge just about to be raised for a passing boat, when all the barriers went down after a very short horn type warning. After an ungainly jog-walk, I inelegantly shimmied under the barrier forgetting just how large my bottom is.

Anyway, that little adventure not being enough for a whole blog post, I decided to look back in my inbox at some of the more ridiculous things I have told people and present them here, unedited and out of context, although I am not sure context would help. So, Mr Gammon, here is a list which may make your idea that I make sense 57% of the time redundant, but thanks, I was actually slightly surprised that you could pretend to be nice ;-)

• [In mid-2006] I devised an ingenious way to hook my keys to my skirt so that I wouldn't get locked out. I have no idea what this was, why I needed it, or whether the bold claim of my ingeniousness was in fact true (although I do have suspicions about this point)
• There was a French chef on Saturday Kitchen this week and rather than say something was a doddle - he said dodo and it was funny and he was sad and his head said must try harder and everyone tried not to laugh. I liked him instantly. With these descriptive powers, I am constantly surprised why I am not a best selling author.
• [In 2007]I look like a sack of potatoes going for a quick sale and ravaged by a bored child with a pink highlighter pen; not really a look that I want at a wedding (although it could work in a thousand other places).
• I ate a pina colada flavoured yoghurt today. Not only was it disgusting, I think it is rotting my organs from the inside, as opposed to my outside organs which are rot free.
• I once saw a old couple dancing like they used to in the 50s at 2 in the morning in front of a curtain less window with a devil may care attitude and eyes only for each other and it gave me goosebumps and I felt privileged to have witnessed this.
• I saw half a rat earlier this week, the tail end. It didn't look like it had been mauled by another animal but cut in half by a blunt instrument such as a spade. The circumstances of this siting has bothered me all week.
  
• I have now managed to stain my fingers pink with beetroot but the onion smell is gone thank goodness (unless of course it has burnt my nostrils out). I am a food calamity. I guess if I didn't eat so much, it would be less of a problem!
• What does a friendly ear look like - does it have a massive slit along the crease that passes as a smile? I can only imagine a sinister ear in a friendly disguise, but not a very good one clearly; a transparent friendly disguise, possibly with some skimpy red leather hot pants around the lobe.

So there you go. Maybe I should have quit after the realisation of my large bottom?